happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
