Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
