tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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