the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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