Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Tell her she can't have a vagina
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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