I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
