I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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