maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Let's paint friendship bongs
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
