i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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