Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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