i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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