Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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