I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Enjoy the penises
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
