His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
