It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
