Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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