Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
