Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
