kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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