I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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