i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
