I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
