You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
