I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Randomize
