omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
