dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
