So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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