Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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