In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
