I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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