I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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