just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Your penis caused this!
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
