Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
