Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize