My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
