Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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