I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
