dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
no, he came in my armpit
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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