Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
