last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
