you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize