I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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