I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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