where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I stole a fireplace last night.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Congratulations! We have a period
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