my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
