filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
