Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
