No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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