u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
