he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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