You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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