I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
