I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize