Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
