I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
