I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
