we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
