i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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