I want to stick my p in your. b.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
